Facebook Post turned blog....

**Started out as a Facebook post, but it got a life of its own and outgrew the narrow confines of Facebook, so pasted it here. I miss Myspace and the blog-type atmosphere it used to have. Facebook has become twitter pro, just little tidbits, but no real meat.**

Since the day I moved out of my parents, in fact until the last few years, money has always been in short supply. Many times I wasn't sure where I was sleeping that night, or where I would be when the sun rose....or as was often the case...set. But somehow in my life I manged to only have to live in my car for two nights. I never went hungry, I always had clean clothes, and I always had what I needed, if not always what I wanted. Once Rais was born, I always had a home. It may have changed, but I always always had a place that was mine. Most of my good fortune goes back to the fact that no matter what, I always had a job. Maybe it was McDonald's, and maybe it changed from week to week, but I always worked. I have been on unemployment twice, both times I quit when I found a job that paid more than the unemployment. And the only reason I even bothered with it was that I wanted to find a "better" job, not just another job. I'm not dissing unemployment, just saying I always made sure I had what I needed to get by. Once I had a family, I always made sure I had enough to provide for them as well and make sure if we didn't always have what we wanted, we had what we needed. And a little of what we wanted, when we could.

 I look around me now, and I have stuff, I have niceish things. It might not always be new, or pretty, but it works. I buy my xbox games 2 years late, when they are under $10, I shop for my clothes at Wal-mart, and if I own a big ticket item (like cars), I didn't by it new, and I didn't pay but about a fraction of what it cost when whoever owned it first bought it. But yet I can't complain, I wouldn't have it any other way. I had lived the life of not knowing, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world, but once I had others to take care of, that was not longer an option. In all things, I endeavored to make sure there was a roof over our heads, food on our table, heat, water, clean clothes, and little worry that these things would go away. In fact, somehow I always equated stable with everything being ok, I guess in my own way it was showing love. Not that it translated well that way, no one has ever understood how I show love it seems, but meh.... it is what it is. And I am who I am.

And now with no one here, no one to provide for, no one to take care of... I'm kinda lost. At the end of a workday, I could say "That sucked, but I'm doing it for a great reason. I have those at home depending on me." Now when I try to tell myself that it rings hollow in my ears. First among all the things that bring me joy, make me feel like I matter, and are important to me, is to be a provider for (and supporter of) those I love. Not just financial support, but emotional and everyday life support as well. I'm lost without that.

Now, I'm not going to go back to my old ways, I have two amazing sons who I'm sure don't want to live in daddies car when they come to visit, but I can't help but feel lack of purpose now... Maybe I should get a cat....or 3..... LOL Seems I have written a novel here, and it went astray, I was just musing and rambled a bit. Times like this I miss old Myspace, I enjoyed writing down my thoughts and sharing them. You never know how something will ring true with another. Back in those days, every post was a novel, and many of the users were writers and poets at heart. You don't see that anymore. Twitter, Facebook, and text messages have taught us that life can be summarized in small little tidbits of thought. So constricting, so limiting, so small. It's amazing sometimes how as we've all grown more connected, we also become more distanced. We all want to see and touch the lives of others, but just for a sentence or two. Welcome to the new world I guess. I'll cliff note on Facebook some, but as for my real life, I guess it will have to live here. If it lives anywhere at all. 

Wow, ramble on wayward son!