Thursday, October 11, 2012
**Started out as a Facebook post, but it got a life of it's own and outgrew the narrow confines of Facebook, so pasted it here. I miss Myspace and the blog type atmosphere it use to have. Facebook has become twitter pro, just little tidbits, but no real meat.**
Since the day I moved out of my parents money has always been in short supply. Many times I wasn't sure where I was sleeping that night, or where I would be when the sun rose....or as was often the case...set. But somehow in my life I manged to only have to live in my car for two nights. I never went hungry, I always had clean clothes, and I always had what I needed, if not always what I wanted. Once Race was born, I always had a home, it may have changed, but I always, always had a place that was mine. Most of my good fortune goes back to the fact that no matter what, I always had a job. Maybe it was McDonald's, and maybe it changed from week to week, but I always worked. I have been on unemployment twice, both times I quit when I found a job that paid more then the unemployment. I'm not dissing unemployment, just saying I always made sure I had what I needed to get by. Once I had a family, I always made sure I had enough to provide for them too, and make sure if they didn't always have what they wanted, we had what we needed. And a little of what they wanted, when we could.
I look around me now, and I have stuff, I have niceish things. It might not always be new, or pretty, but it works. I buy my xbox games 2 years late, when they are under $10, I shop for my clothes at Wal-mart, and if I own a big ticket item, I didn't by it new, and I didn't pay but about 1/10 of what it cost when whomever owned it first bought it. But yet I can't complain, I wouldn't have it any other way. I had lived the life of not knowing, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world, but once I had others to take care of, that was not longer an option. In all things I endeavored to make sure there was a roof over our heads, food on our table, heat and water, clean clothes, and little worry that these things would go away. In fact, somehow I always equated stable with everything being ok, I guess in my own way it was showing love. Not that it translated well that way, but meh.... it is what it is. And I am who I am.
And now with no one here, no one to provide for, no one to take care of... I'm kinda lost. At the end of a work day I could say "That sucked, but I'm doing it for a great reason. I have those at home depending on me." Now when I try to tell myself that it rings hollow in my ears.
Now, I'm not going to go back to my old ways, I have two amazing sons who I'm sure don't want to live in daddies car when they come to visit, but I can't help but feel lack of purpose now... Maybe I should get a cat....or 3..... LOL Seems I have written a novel here, and it went astray, I was just musing and rambled a bit. Times like this I miss old Myspace, I enjoyed writing down my thoughts and sharing them. You never know how something will ring true with another. Back in those days every post was a novel, and may of the users were writers at heart, and poets. You don't see that on Facebook. Twitter,Facebook, and text messages have taught us that life can be summarized in small little tidbits of thought. So constricting, so limiting, so small. It's amazing sometimes how as we've all grown more connected, we also become more distanced. We all want to see and touch the lives of others, but just for a sentence or two. Welcome to the new world I guess. I'll cliff note on Facebook some, but as for my real life, I guess it will have to live here. If it lives anywhere at all.
Wow, ramble on wayward son!